Jesse’s Journal: Entry 39

Jesse’s Journal: Entry 39

April 27, 2025

11:42am: I hate God. To me, Yahweh and God are different. God is cruel. But Yahweh is authentic. I hate God.

12:16pm: I no longer have the patience to explain myself to people, both family and strangers alike. If they say something that I disagree with, I shall just simply stay quiet. They are not worth the trouble.

12:22pm: Since I cannot find good outside of me, I will create good within myself. Because though God wants to punish me, I know that I am worthy of good and health, and I know that I have so much potential

12:29pm: I am going to have a list of boundaries that I would like people to follow. 

12:34pm: I do not want anyone to share advice nor guide me on anything unless I ask them for it. This rule will also be included in my boundaries.

12:50pm: I am feeling happier. There are brief moments of joy. Although only briefly.

1:54pm: From now on, I shall be more about action and less about words. My plan is to fulfill my purpose through action. And to take action in order to fulfill my purpose, which is to fully bring my dreams here into the physical.

2:31pm: I enjoy the idea of being buried at sea. I cannot wait for that to actually happen. Although I will not be aware of what is going on when it does happen.

6:49pm: Here is a great video about being too nice. Something I have got to learn….

https://youtu.be/K8RdYltfHwk?si=o5A_eAaUOD0DlQfS

6:56PM: Lmao exactly. Some of you are not worthy of my advice even if you ask for it. This is my life. 

10:47pm: My tasks are my spiritual journey. My tasks that will lead me to my dreams are what my life is about now.

April 28, 2025

3:39am: My brain is tired and groggy. My body feels ill after waking up.

10:00am: My sibling and I were talking about how in life you have to pick your own suffering. I love that. Cause it is very true

10:17am: I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. It is just one challenge and one inconvenience after another.

10:22am: I am learning not to be so moved by my emotions and to just complete what I need to do. I just need to complete what I need to get done.

3:30pm: I am so angry right now. I cannot seem to catch a break bruh! And when I express myself to my relative, you know who you are, you do not even care. Okay. Note taken.

3:56pm: I am tired of people wanting me to give others grace but they are not willing to give me grace. You all got me messed up. Another thing, people do not care about you as much as you think they do. Both family and strangers alike. Even that therapist you always vent to is secretly judging you.

4:16pm: Myself to a certain someone in the spirit world: “I hate you.” It was to God. I hate you. Stop abusing me. And there is no escape. Even in the afterlife I would still be imprisoned. When my time comes, I think I just want to either be on a journey of self discovery, or to completely cease to exist entirely and have my spirit destroyed. I hate you all. To all of you that have hurt me. I do not wish you well on your journey. That is just a facade in order for me to appear more civil in our human society, but I truly hope the worst for all of you who have abused me. Including you God. But I am learning to actually love myself even when you all do not. Got me messed up. 

4:22pm: I need to stick up for myself more. And sometimes that is just done by staying silent and avoiding the people who have hurt me. I am so angry at this God. Who even is he? Because I have known enough about Yahweh and Yahweh is different from who or what this God is. I am so tired. Knock it off.

4:32pm: I feel like I want to curse people. A return to the sender type energy. 

4:33pm: Deep breathing, meditation, and all that wacky stuff does not do diddly squat for me. It does not tackle the root cause. Nor does it tackle the root problem. I hold my pain. I hold my breath. I hold it all. For as long as my body wishes to.

5:17pm: I feel like death does not exist. It is non-existent. 5:33pm: I will still be myself even after I depart from this world.

6:03pm: I am in love with my Self. The Self. Beyond the Bible. Beyond spirituality. Just who I am, and what I am, as I am.

6:06pm: My Self is as clear as water. I am clean. I am pure. I am not disgusting, as others have told me, and as others have tried to make me believe.

6:51pm: I have made my emotions the core of my heart center. They are now part of the core of my Self.

7:13pm: I just want to get to know my Self. I want to have a personal relationship with my Self, but I am too tired for relationships. I suppose I just want to start slow. My Self got the message.