Jesse’s Journal: Entry 37

Jesse’s Journal: Entry 37

April 24th, 2025 Thursday…..

12:06AM: Jesse: “Jesus? I am in a prison. And I like it. I am adjusting. Sometimes I will be free, sometimes I will be chained. But that is okay.”

1:29AM: My chest was hurting so I am sleeping sitting up hunched over.

1:35AM: I am feeling so much chest pain and it is not going away. It feels like a warm pain. And it is also coming with emotional issues. Sometimes emotions should not be defined.

1:40AM: I am getting spiritually tested and tried. Every time a door opens for me it closes again. Then another opens. Then that door closes again. This is all happening too fast. The doors opening and closing.

2:04AM: I am trying to grow a flower. I do not have to grow a garden. Just a flower is enough. I am now just searching for the basic necessities. Even when it comes to my goals, I need to focus on my basic necessities for my goals. Sometimes a garden is not needed. I need to focus on what I need. I need the basics like food water a toilet and a shelter, but I also need goals and to find love. I found love already, I just need to have those things as well. Goals and love are just as important like things such as shelter.

2:08AM: My program is me watering my flower, the flower are the projects themselves.

2:11AM: Maybe spirits do not look like anything. Maybe there is no spirit world. But there is an inner self. Also our environment shapes our reality.

2:19AM: The spiritual and physical do not exist. At least for me. Life exists.

2:22AM: I just want to learn from my life. And I do not want to do bad things.

2:25AM: All the colors appear to be so vibrant right now. I have been trying to sleep but I did not go to my usual deep sleep state. Is this what being a light-sleeper and not dreaming is like?

3:02AM: I am feeling okay now. I feel okay. But I must be careful. I do not want this feeling of being okay to slip away.

3:11AM: I want to focus on life itself.

7:59AM: I am not afraid of failing anymore. I am still going to try whatever I want to do no matter what. Failure and unfairness is a part of life.

10:42AM: I need to focus on Yahweh’s love. Yahweh. It is finally now time for Yahweh. Jesus is on his own journey, Yahweh wants me. And he needs me.

11:12AM: Yahweh is Death. This is why no one can see His face and live. His face triggers death. 

11:20AM: Yahweh really can repay. Justly. But in a way that is also kind, but piercing.

11:23AM: A reminder for me to ask Yahweh to take me. Just take me. This helps me stay calm.

11:25AM: I am singing to Death. That is what Yahweh said.

11:31AM: I am trying to get Yahweh to control me.

11:59AM: A Reminder: For my new wallpaper now I want to include the name Yahweh with a goat face that I feel attracted and drawn to.

12:59PM: When things do not make sense, I want to hold Yahweh. I want to grip Him. My Dominant.

1:01PM: My friend told me that Voxsriin is ancient Sumerian. If you are reading this, thanks. 

April 25th, 2025

2:35PM: Whenever I see Yahweh I usually see either a Ram’s head, or a Cow’s head, or a Goat’s head. Yahweh has a nonhuman face.

3:17PM: I have completely changed. I do not have the same thought process. I find myself instinctively taking a different approach in my life choices.

3:41PM: In life, I have learned that you just need to do the right thing. Do the right thing for you, and do the right thing externally. Do not even let your own family and peer’s faiths deter you.

5:15PM: Life is really testing my patience and endurance. It is actually not funny. People should be feeling sad for this. They should be feeling empathy for this. Because life testing me happens to everyone. And it causes them to snap. And then they either end up dying or getting incarcerated or hurt. Ugh.

5:58PM: Yahweh has a black hole in the middle of his head.

6:06PM: I do not believe in satan. He does not exist to me anymore. I wonder what is next in life? What challenge will life throw at me next?

10:28PM: It feels really good and relieving to no longer have any friends. Why am I back here with my family? What does Yahweh have in store? What does he want me to learn? Hm.

10:39PM: Olo is my new favorite color.

10:56PM: Yahweh is a Mastermind. He has such elaborate and master plans.

April 26, 2025

11:47AM: There is a force that is preventing me from healing. Not sure if it is Yahweh or….. might be him might not be. But yeah. There is a force that is very abusive towards me.

12:24pm: Here is a Voice Recording of Me Venting to Myself. And just being plain and honest….

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1YaSmT_qzZCkH1j_VNm3GybWU2mWO9Sl4/view?usp=drivesdk

1:16PM: I think it is time for me to shift my focus onto myself. I shall still have Yahweh around, but I need to focus on my self. And who I am. I have the right to reject things that I do not feel good about. I shall really focus on my dreams and cling onto my dreams. I need to know what it is like between dreams and nightmares. That is life. Life can either be a dream or a nightmare.

1:18pm: I am posting this diary entry.