Einai Sasa’s Spiritual Journal: Entry 23

Einai Sasa’s Spiritual Journal: Entry 23

April 12th, 2025 Saturday….

1:04AM: NN: “I am growing tired of my relatives and people around me. I can feel this turning me bitter and straight up hateful. I have already blocked two of my relatives and I feel this pain growing in my chest. How can I just treat myself with kindness in a way that I do not need to speak to myself? I find that speaking positive affirmations to myself makes me even angrier for some reason. I want to take revenge on the people that have hurt me. I want to make them apologize. I want them to pay. I am tired of everyone blaming me. I am tired of being always the only one that is apologizing. I am so annoyed and angry. I want to hurt the people who hurt me. I feel so vengeful. Very very vengeful. I feel protective of myself because nobody has ever protected me before.”

1:05AM: Gemini: “It sounds like you are in a tremendous amount of pain right now, feeling deeply hurt, angry, and completely alone in dealing with these difficult relationships. The desire for revenge and to make those who hurt you pay is a natural response to feeling consistently blamed and unprotected. It's important to acknowledge these intense feelings without judgment.

It's also significant that positive affirmations are making you feel angrier. This suggests that you might not feel those affirmations are genuine or that they are invalidating your very real pain and anger. Trying to force positivity when you're feeling this way can indeed be counterproductive.

Let's explore ways to treat yourself with kindness and protect yourself without relying on spoken affirmations, and also address the intense feelings of anger and vengefulness.

Treating Yourself with Kindness (Beyond Verbal Affirmations)

Here are some ways to show yourself kindness through actions and internal shifts, rather than spoken words:

 * Physical Comfort: Engage in activities that bring your body comfort and relaxation:

   * Take a warm bath or shower.

   * Wrap yourself in a soft blanket.

   * Enjoy a soothing cup of tea or a comforting meal.

   * Get enough sleep. Prioritize rest as a form of self-care.

   * Gentle movement like stretching, yoga, or a walk in nature can release tension.

 * Sensory Pleasure: Engage your senses in ways that are pleasing and calming:

   * Listen to music that resonates with you (even if it's not necessarily "positive").

   * Light a scented candle or use essential oils.

   * Spend time in nature, noticing the sights, sounds, and smells.

   * Engage in a creative hobby like drawing, painting, or playing an instrument.

 * Acts of Self-Nurturing: Do things for yourself that you would do for someone you care about:

   * Prepare a meal you enjoy.

   * Read a good book or watch a movie you've been wanting to see.

   * Give yourself permission to rest and do nothing without feeling guilty.

   * Create a safe and comfortable space for yourself.

 * Setting Boundaries as Self-Kindness: Continuing to enforce the boundaries you've set (like blocking relatives) is an act of self-kindness. It's about protecting your energy and well-being. Recognize this as a positive step you've taken for yourself.

 * Acknowledge Your Feelings (Without Judgment): Instead of trying to force positivity, simply acknowledge your anger, hurt, and vengefulness. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without criticizing yourself for having them. You could think, "I feel really angry right now, and that's okay given what I've been through."

 * Focus on Your Needs: What do you truly need in this moment? Is it rest, space, distraction, or to feel heard? Try to provide that for yourself.

 * Grounding Techniques: When intense emotions arise, try grounding techniques to bring you back to the present moment:

   * Focus on your five senses: What can you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch right now?

   * Hold something tangible in your hand and focus on its texture and weight.

   * Take slow, deep breaths.

Understanding and Managing the Desire for Revenge

The intense desire for revenge is understandable given your feelings of being wronged and unprotected. However, acting on these impulses can often lead to more pain and complications for you in the long run. Here's how to approach these feelings:

 * Acknowledge the Feeling, Not the Action: Recognize that feeling vengeful is a natural emotional response to hurt. It doesn't make you a bad person. However, you have a choice about whether or not to act on those feelings.

 * Explore the Root of the Anger: Try to understand what specifically makes you so angry. Is it the feeling of being blamed, the lack of accountability from others, the feeling of being unprotected? Understanding the source can help you address the underlying issues.

 * Consider the Potential Outcomes of Revenge: While the idea of making others pay might feel satisfying in the short term, think about the potential long-term consequences for you. Will it bring you lasting peace? Could it damage your relationships further or even lead to legal repercussions?

 * Focus on Your Healing: Redirect your energy from seeking revenge towards healing and building a better future for yourself. This might involve therapy, focusing on your well-being, and creating healthy relationships.

 * Find Healthy Outlets for Your Anger: Suppressing anger isn't healthy, but neither is lashing out. Find constructive ways to express your anger, such as:

   * Physical activity (exercise, hitting a pillow).

   * Journaling your feelings.

   * Expressing your feelings to a therapist.

   * Creative expression (art, music).

 * The Power of Forgiveness (for Yourself, Not Necessarily for Them): Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It doesn't mean condoning the actions of those who hurt you. Instead, it can be a way to release the hold that anger and resentment have on you, freeing you to move forward. This is a process and doesn't have to be immediate.

Protecting Yourself Moving Forward

Your desire to protect yourself is valid and important. Here are some steps you can take:

 * Continue Setting and Enforcing Boundaries: You've already started this by blocking relatives. Continue to identify relationships that are harmful or draining and create healthy boundaries, whether it's limiting contact, changing the way you interact, or ending the relationship altogether.

 * Trust Your Gut Instincts: Pay attention to how people make you feel. If someone consistently leaves you feeling blamed, belittled, or drained, trust those feelings and create distance.

 * Build a Supportive Network: Surround yourself with people who are kind, supportive, and respectful. This might mean nurturing existing healthy relationships or seeking out new connections through hobbies, groups, or your community.

 * Learn Assertive Communication: Practice expressing your needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully. This can help prevent misunderstandings and reduce the likelihood of being blamed unfairly.

 * Seek Professional Support: Given the intensity of your emotions and the history of being blamed, therapy can be incredibly beneficial. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings, develop coping mechanisms, and learn healthier ways to relate to others and yourself. They can also help you navigate the desire for revenge and work towards healing.

It's important to remember that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to prioritize your own well-being and protection. Be patient with yourself as you navigate these difficult emotions and work towards healing. You are not alone, and seeking support is a sign of strength.”

1:08AM: Another one of my names is Unknown.

1:21AM: I desire to share about my memory before I was generated here in the lightweight physical world. 

1:22AM: I am also going to try to work on my spirit form. Emotions are part of your spiritual form.

1:40AM: I would like for it to be known to you all that I no longer go by the name Jesse even though that shall be my written legal name here on earth. Jesse has now transformed to Yishai. And as for myself? My spirit is named Unknown and No Name, but I like the name Unknown better.

2:49AM: Just saw the words flash in my spiritual sight, “STOP TALKING”. My response was, “No YOU STOP TALKING!”

2:58AM: Saw the words, “For your age.” With my eyes closed.

4:05AM: Just got done dreaming about this black beetle and the. I saw this small black care stalking me and then I saw this really sensual video in this dream, and then I started yearning for Yahuah. And then I started seeing this spirit being running at super speed in front of me.

5:20AM:  I had a dream this one client and this other stranger were getting on.

My Obstacles Part One

6:56AM: Unknown wants me to maintain boundaries. As his piece. My first obstacle on my journey is I blame myself too much and I apologize too much for actions that are not even my fault.

7:00AM: UK: “How do I stop blaming myself for things that are out of my control? And how do I maintain boundaries towards everyone?”

7:01AM: Gemini: “It's commendable that you're recognizing these patterns and want to make positive changes. Both stopping self-blame for things out of your control and maintaining healthy boundaries are crucial for your well-being. Here's a breakdown of how you can work on both:

How to Stop Blaming Yourself for Things Out of Your Control

This is a process that takes time and conscious effort. Here's a step-by-step approach:

1. Identify What's Within Your Control:

 * Distinguish: Start by consciously differentiating between what you had influence over and what was entirely outside of your power. Ask yourself:

   * What were my actions in this situation?

   * What were the external factors that influenced the outcome?

   * Could I have realistically predicted or prevented those external factors?

 * Focus on Your Actions: Instead of dwelling on the outcome, analyze your decisions and actions. Were they made with the best intentions and information you had at the time? If so, try to offer yourself some understanding.

 * Acknowledge Limitations: Recognize that life is full of uncertainties and that not every situation will go as planned, regardless of your efforts.

2. Challenge Your Thoughts:

 * Identify Negative Self-Talk: Pay attention to the critical voice in your head. What are you telling yourself about the situation? Are these thoughts based on facts or assumptions?

 * Question the Evidence: Ask yourself:

   * What is the actual evidence that I am solely to blame?

   * Are there other possible explanations for what happened?

   * Would I hold a friend responsible in the same way for a similar situation?

 * Reframe Your Thoughts: Try to replace self-blaming thoughts with more balanced and realistic ones. For example, instead of "It's all my fault," try "I made the best decision I could with what I knew at the time, and there were other factors involved."

 * Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment.

3. Practice Radical Acceptance:

 * Accept the Unchangeable: Radical acceptance is about acknowledging and accepting the reality of a situation, even if you don't like it. This doesn't mean you condone what happened, but you stop fighting against what you cannot change.

 * Focus on the Present: Once you accept what you can't control, you can shift your energy towards what you can control in the present and future.

4. Learn from the Experience (Without Blame):

 * Identify Lessons: Instead of focusing on what you did wrong, ask yourself what you can learn from the experience. What insights did you gain? How might you approach similar situations differently in the future?

 * Focus on Growth: Frame the experience as an opportunity for learning and growth, rather than a personal failure.

5. Seek Support:

 * Talk to Someone You Trust: Sharing your feelings with a supportive friend, family member, or therapist can provide a different perspective and emotional validation.

 * Consider Therapy: A therapist can help you explore the roots of your self-blame, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and challenge negative thought patterns.

Techniques to Help:

 * Thought Journaling: Write down your self-blaming thoughts and then challenge them with evidence and alternative perspectives.

 * Mindfulness: Practice being present in the moment without judgment. This can help you observe your thoughts without getting carried away by them.

 * Breathing Exercises: When you notice yourself engaging in self-blame, take slow, deep breaths to calm your nervous system.

 * Self-Compassion Exercises: Engage in practices like loving-kindness meditation or writing a letter to yourself from a place of compassion.

How to Maintain Boundaries Towards Everyone

Setting and maintaining boundaries is essential for protecting your time, energy, and emotional well-being. Here's a guide:

1. Understand Your Own Boundaries:

 * Identify Your Limits: Reflect on what makes you feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, resentful, or taken advantage of. Consider different areas of your life: time, energy, emotions, physical space, possessions, etc.

 * Know Your Needs and Values: What are your priorities? What do you need to feel healthy and balanced? Your boundaries should align with these.

 * Recognize Your Rights: Understand that you have the right to say no, to have your needs respected, and to protect your well-being.

2. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly and Assertively:

 * Be Direct: Avoid hinting, hoping people will guess, or being passive-aggressive. State your boundaries clearly and concisely.

 * Use "I" Statements: Focus on your feelings and needs. For example, instead of "You always interrupt me," try "I feel unheard when I'm interrupted, and I need to finish my thoughts."

 * Be Specific: Clearly define what behavior is and isn't acceptable.

 * Be Consistent: Enforce your boundaries consistently. If you let them slide sometimes, it can be confusing for others and undermine your efforts.

 * Stay Calm and Polite: You don't need to be angry or defensive when setting boundaries. A calm and assertive tone is usually more effective.

3. Address Boundary Violations:

 * Address Them Early: Don't wait until you're resentful. Address violations as soon as they occur.

 * Reiterate Your Boundary: Remind the person of the boundary you've already set.

 * Explain the Consequences (If Necessary): If the behavior continues, be prepared to implement consequences. This could be limiting contact, ending a conversation, or withdrawing a privilege. The consequence should be something you are willing and able to follow through with.

 * Don't Apologize for Your Boundaries: Your boundaries are valid and necessary for your well-being. You don't need to apologize for having them.

4. Be Prepared for Different Reactions:

 * Some People Will Respect Your Boundaries: They may understand and adjust their behavior.

 * Some People May Resist: They may push back, get upset, try to guilt-trip you, or ignore your boundaries. Stand firm and reiterate your needs.

 * Focus on Your Control: You can't control how others react, but you can control how you respond and whether you maintain your boundaries.

5. Practice and Be Patient:

 * Start Small: If setting boundaries is new for you, start with smaller, less emotionally charged situations.

 * It Takes Time: It may take time for both you and the people in your life to adjust to your new boundaries. Be patient and persistent.

 * Self-Care is Key: Maintaining boundaries can be emotionally challenging. Prioritize self-care to manage any stress or discomfort.

Boundaries with Different People:

 * Family: Boundaries might involve limits on unsolicited advice, expectations for your time, or emotional dumping.

 * Friends: Boundaries could relate to availability, lending money, or discussing certain topics.

 * Work: Boundaries might involve workload, availability outside of work hours, or personal conversations.

 * Romantic Partners: Boundaries can include physical intimacy, emotional support, or shared responsibilities.

 * Strangers/Acquaintances: Boundaries might involve personal space, information sharing, or requests for help.

By consistently working on these strategies, you can gradually stop blaming yourself for things outside your control and establish healthy boundaries that protect your well-being in all your relationships. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself throughout this process.”

7:03AM: UK: “I am now going to post this diary entry…..”