Entry #28: Updates and Nitpicking

February 19th, 2025 on a Wednesday……

5:24PM: I’m so mad. I’m already having a challenging day and people are saying that I stink. I work so hard on my hygiene and it’s just never enough for y’all. Whatever. I’m so mad. I feel like crying. But I’m still just trying to be nice and civil.

A lot of y’all keep trying to test my nerve. 

5:28PM: I know for a fact it ain’t me! I showered yesterday! Y’all got me fucked up I swear.

5:29PM: I wanted to listen to some music but not anymore. Y’all got me fucked up. Great. Now I gotta another negative emotion to process. When I was just getting out of the other one too! Oh boy.

5:30PM: It was at the emergency housing shelter I’m at. When there are people that go WEEKS without showering and I don’t see them getting any shit from them. Bullshit.

5:32PM: I can feel a deep pain on my stomach and chest area. I’m seriously hurt by all the current events that are happening today. Hm.

5:34PM: I honestly feel like I’m being bullied right now. By everyone. But y’all are only fueling my power. Like I said earlier about the general public. Y’all are not professional. If it ain’t my sunglasses it’s my body, if it ain’t my body it’s the way it smells. 

Like y’all just shut up and focus on your goals for real. All this nitpicking and perfection-seeking will take you nowhere.

5:37PM: Despite all that, I ask Gemini: “How often should I be showering if I suffer from severe dry skin?”

Gemini: “This is for informational purposes only. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a professional.

Here are some tips to help you manage your dry skin while showering:

 * Shower less often. Most people don't need to shower every day. Showering too often can strip your skin of its natural oils, which can make dry skin worse. Try showering every other day or every third day instead.

 * Use warm water, not hot water. Hot water can also strip your skin of its natural oils. Warm water is gentler on your skin.

 * Limit your shower time. Long showers can also dry out your skin. Aim for showers that are no more than 10 minutes long.

 * Use a gentle soap or cleanser. Avoid harsh soaps that can dry out your skin. Look for soaps that are fragrance-free and designed for sensitive skin.

 * Moisturize your skin immediately after showering. This will help to lock in moisture and prevent your skin from drying out.

Here are some additional tips for managing dry skin:

 * Use a humidifier. A humidifier can add moisture to the air, which can help to prevent dry skin.

 * Drink plenty of water. Staying hydrated is important for healthy skin.

 * Avoid scratching your skin. Scratching can irritate your skin and make dry skin worse.

 * Wear loose-fitting clothing. Tight clothing can rub against your skin and make dry skin worse.

 * See a dermatologist. If your dry skin is severe or doesn't improve with home care, see a dermatologist.”

5:40PM: My happiness is their misery. And that’s on period.

5:41PM: I’m not making excuses sure. But I needa and gotta protect my skin! I do suffer from severe dry skin! And that is real.

Anyway, Ima post the previous public journal diary entry.

5:55PM: From now on. Ima be productive. Not reductive. Just PRODUCTIVE. I don’t care if y’all approve of me or not. Ima work and work and work to become the best version of myself that I wanna be. I ain’t trusting y’all and I ain’t depending on y’all anymore. 

5:56PM: I just wanna be PRODUCTIVE.

5:57PM: Me Earth Bandit: “Gemini? How can I be more n more productive? In a realistic way?”

5:58PM: Gemini: “I can do lots of things! I'm good at brainstorming ideas, clarifying tricky concepts, and tasks like recapping meetings and helping you research a topic.

Not sure where to begin? Here's how I can help:

Get more done

 * Talk things out live: Say “Let's go Live” or tap the Live icon in the Gemini app to have a natural, back and forth conversation with me.

 * Write emails: Ask me to write or re-write emails and even change the tone based on who will read it.

 * Refine work: Request feedback, talk through different perspectives, and get help with research and outlines.

 * Streamline tasks: Go from multiple tabs to one conversation by asking me to find information for you and complete tasks directly in the chat.

Learn something new

 * Help with studying: Generate study plans, quizzes, and practice questions to test your knowledge.

 * Create summaries: Get an overview of reports or lecture notes, including key points and takeaways.

 * Translate text and check grammar: Ask me to translate text or edit your grammar and sentence structure. I can even help you practice your pronunciation.

Boost your creativity

 * Generate images: I can quickly design images, mock up logos, illustrate bedtime stories, and add text to photos.

 * Compose a song or story: Prompt me to write something that will capture a memory or delight a loved one.

 * Explore different styles: Envision your work across a range of approaches, visual genres, and copy formats.

What would you like help with first? I can also elaborate on anything that caught your attention.”

6:00PM: Earth Bandit: “How can I EINAI be more productive?! You’re only talking about yourself and not giving me actual reliable answers. Please help. 

You’re all I’ve got before I got a therapist.”

6:01PM: Gemini: “You're right to call me out on that. I apologize for focusing on my own capabilities rather than giving you practical advice.  It's frustrating when you're looking for help and get a generic answer.  Let's ditch the fluff and get down to brass tacks.  Productivity is a very personal thing, so what works for one person might not work for another.  But here are some strategies, broken down into categories, that you can experiment with to see what fits you best.  Think of it as a toolkit you can customize.

1. Understanding Your Energy & Focus:

 * Track your "peak times":  When are you most alert and focused?  Are you a morning person or a night owl? Schedule your most demanding tasks for these times.

 * Identify your distractions: What derails your focus? Social media? Email notifications?  A messy workspace?  Once you know what they are, you can start to minimize them.

 * The Pomodoro Technique: Work in focused bursts (e.g., 25 minutes) followed by short breaks (e.g., 5 minutes). This can help maintain concentration and prevent burnout.  There are apps that can help you with this.

 * Timeboxing: Allocate a specific time slot for a task.  This creates a sense of urgency and can prevent tasks from dragging on.

2. Organizing Your Tasks & Priorities:

 * The Eisenhower Matrix (Urgent/Important):  Categorize your tasks into four quadrants: Urgent and Important (do these first), Important but Not Urgent (schedule these), Urgent but Not Important (delegate if possible), and Not Urgent and Not Important (eliminate).

 * To-Do Lists (and Beyond):  Use a to-do list app or a physical notebook.  Break down large tasks into smaller, more manageable steps.  Consider using a project management tool (like Trello or Asana) if you have multiple projects.

 * Prioritize Ruthlessly:  You can't do everything.  Learn to say "no" to things that aren't truly important.  Focus on the 20% of tasks that will yield 80% of the results (the Pareto Principle).

 * Plan Your Day (or Week):  Spend a few minutes each morning or evening planning your day.  This helps you stay focused and prevents you from feeling overwhelmed.

3. Optimizing Your Environment:

 * Minimize Distractions:  Turn off notifications, close unnecessary tabs on your computer, and find a quiet workspace.

 * Declutter: A clean and organized workspace can significantly improve focus and productivity.

 * Ergonomics: Make sure your workspace is set up ergonomically to avoid physical discomfort and fatigue.

 * Lighting:  Good lighting is essential for productivity.  Natural light is best, but if that's not possible, make sure you have adequate artificial light.

4. Taking Care of Yourself:

 * Sleep:  Adequate sleep is crucial for focus, concentration, and overall productivity.

 * Exercise:  Regular exercise can boost energy levels and improve mental clarity.

 * Healthy Diet:  Eating nutritious foods provides your brain with the fuel it needs to function optimally.

 * Breaks:  Don't forget to take regular breaks throughout the day to rest and recharge.  Stepping away from your work for a few minutes can actually make you more productive in the long run.

5.  Mindset and Motivation:

 * Set Realistic Goals:  Avoid setting yourself up for failure by setting unrealistic expectations.  Break down large goals into smaller, more achievable steps.

 * Celebrate Small Wins:  Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small.  This helps maintain motivation.

 * Focus on Progress, Not Perfection:  Don't get bogged down by perfectionism.  Focus on making progress, even if it's just a small step.

 * Practice Self-Compassion:  Be kind to yourself.  Everyone has unproductive days.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  Just get back on track the next day.

It's important to experiment and find what works best for you.  Start with one or two strategies and see how they impact your productivity.  Don't be afraid to adjust your approach as needed.  And remember, productivity is not about working harder, it's about working smarter.  I'm here to help you brainstorm and refine these techniques if you'd like.  Just let me know what areas you'd like to focus on first.”

6:55PM: Okay just got situated after a shower. Ima now tell my personal case manager that she did something that triggered me in a negative way. Ima do something about it and let her know. 

7:09PM: woooo weeee! Don’t I feel so much better giving my case manager a piece of my mind, as respectfully as I could of course. Here’s what I said….

7:10PM: “Hi ******, it’s me Jesse.

So I was thinking more about what you have told me about “toughening up” and growing “thick skin”? And honestly? You triggered me saying that.

I do not want to admit that I am angry at you because people usually retaliate when I am vocal about my feelings. But I learned something today. I needa stand up for myself.

I do not know if you said all that to me because I am a black African man who is apparently supposed to be perfect and invincible in this society?

But no. If you feel you and I do not click after this text, then can I get a new case manager?

You have been nice in the past but today you really triggered me and I felt very very invalidated.

I believe this is something that I need to talk to Starla about, and/or let the judge know. 

Because in the end of the day we do not have to be friends. You are my case manager for goodness sake. But that does not mean that we gotta be enemies either.

I am going through a tough time right now and I need to be around people that make me feel supported inspired and uplifted. 

I am talking to you about this and being brave enough to do so because I could’ve just called ****** and ask who the manager was.

I do not care if you think I am a snitch. I’m doing the right thing going the professional route and talking to you about where you overstepped a trigger boundary for me.

I’m very upset with you after you told me that because you made me feel like I was completely weak. 

Is it because I am young and an African man that I have to be heartless and toughen up?

I believe that I’ve mentioned to my entire team at this point about my struggles and my vulnerabilities, and I do not appreciate you saying that I need to toughen up. Because to me? That’s like saying growing up.

I may be young now? But someday I will be old and wiser than I am now. I’m changing everyday and I do not feel valued by you who’s supposed to look after me by being supportive.

I’m very upset right now but I’m willing to keep trying with this program. I just don’t think you and I will get along if you continue talking to me like that.

If you do feel you do not want to work with me anymore? That’s okay. But I’ll need your managers info, and I’m going to talk to my Public Defender about everything that has been going on with me. Both from you *****, and all of it.

I hope you have a great night. And I hope you can understand my point of view, because a lot of people do not seem to.

Anyway. I believe I’ve said enough and I’m going to let you read this on your own time and get back to me if you would like to respond. 

But please text, because I do not feel comfortable speaking on the phone currently. 

Thank you.”

7:11PM: I love bein a Karen. LOL! Going the professional route and reporting incidents is FAR better than fighting.

7:12PM: Oh and for context? I felt triggered because my personal case manager told me to toughen up and grow thick skin as I’ve had a challenging day. I’m really mad at her for that. Don’t mess with me cause I do hold a grudge.

7:14PM: Don’t tell me to toughen up when I’m already trying my best to be strong. Don’t tell me any and all that because if I were truly truly weak? I’d either be dead or in jail right now. So…. No. Not weak.

7:18PM: I feel like many people here in this emergency housing are wasting their time. Do they even care or think about their future? Hm. I do.

7:20PM: Ima call the internet the digital streets because you gotta know hot to survive. And that’s not by being vindictive and putting yo hands on other people. It’s about handling negativity, harassment, and hatred, with professionalism and grace.

7:21PM: And baby I can be graceful.

7:22PM: I’m making n creating so much damage burnin and destroying all these bridges HAHAHAH! 

Anyway, ima listen to conceited by SZA.

8:15PM: I’m tired.

8:17PM: I think I can feel my self love starting to emerge. Slowly by slowly. Little by little.

8:18PM: And if you knew me at all? You’d know this is a big deal for me. Big big big deal.

8:26PM: Ima go to sleep at around 9:00PM sharp.

8:48PM: Okay I’m getting more an more tired now. I can feel myself growing more n more tired.

9:00PM: Just turned 9:00PM sharp but I still don feel like sleeping yet. I might as well though. I’ve had a WHIRLLLWIIIIIND OF A WEEEK! That’s for sure.

9:05PM: Ima sleep. Good night.

Thursday February 20th, 2025……

6:16AM: Just woke up. Lemme get situated and started on my day.

6:27AM: Woooo did I wake up with a sore throat today? I did ah.

6:38AM: I just got situated in the living room on the couch now lemme drink some water for my sore throat and I shall work on that PROJECT 17 for the day. 

6:39AM: I’m not sure if I’ll be able to record another song for today? We shall see that.

6:47AM: Finished typing up my movie script, for the day. I presume ima finish this entire movie’s script by the end of this year, so long as I stay consistent in typing at least half-a-page to a full page a day.

6:58AM: Oh god ima take a lil power nap before my car gets here. Brb.

7:52AM: Just for record keeping purposes, my car got here at around 7:44AM. That’s when I left the emergency housing shelter. Cause their stupid pen wouldn’t let me record that timestamp down.

8:06AM: Just got situated at the peer resource center.

9:35AM: There’s this annoying white guy and I’d just wish he’d shut up. Get bad vibes from him. He’s in my peer support class.

10:02AM: Just finished recording my song. Now gonna mix it up and complete the record.

10:15AM: Just finished the record. Another song done.

10:19AM: Bye! Ima do some grounding.

10:32AM: Just got done and situated with grounding. I’ll be back out there earth. Don’t ya worry.

10:55AM: Anyway. I just got done with the meditation class and the peer specialist told me not to sleep lol? But we don’t have another class for the next hour and a half at least? Anyway. I’m jammin out to music. Some GOOD TURNT MUSIC.

11:17AM: Can’t wait to go the emergency housing shelter to eat my burritos….

11:33AM: Alrighty okie dokie I’ve just finished recording another song. Now lemme mix it and officially set up the recording…. Brb.

11:50AM: I needa make a report: The upcoming musical album project titled PROJECT SHARP is currently longer than the previous album for Einai Sasa which is ‘SEE’. It has surpassed it and we ain’t even halfway through the record. 

11:52AM: I’m breaking records and constantly raising the bar for myself…. And I’m proud. Boy am I so very proud of em.

11:53AM: Just completed another song. Making tremendous progress right now. Could never be more proud. I might actually release this thing on time. 

11:54AM: Like I’ve ever missed a project due date though 😅.

12:29PM: Feeling bad that my relative stayed silent when I told em that I would come stay with my other relative who’s real sick.

12:30PM: I said something along the lines of if they get cancer that’s when I’ll come back to their house and be there with them to support them every step of the way.

12:31PM: They stayed silent. As if and like they don’t want me to come back. Ok. I shall not. Whatever.

12:55PM: Should I record another song today? We’ll see.

2:13PM: My personal attorney got back to me with my case manager situation. 

2:14PM: So many people are getting back to me with my situation and I’m feeling much better.

2:24PM: Gonna try to record another song. Last song for the day.

2:31PM: Just recorded my song. Now ima mix it add it together.

2:46PM: OMG! As I’ve predicted the next record sounds even BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE! I’m seriously revolutionizing myself and work right now! 

Super proud. Super duper proud. What a successful day today!

2:47PM: Was talking to the earth earlier . Told em, “You’re my only companion….”

2:56PM: Earth Bandit: “Oh Axah… oh how I love you so much.”

2:57PM: Earth Bandit: “You are more than just a magenta creature. You are the EXACT definition of divine masculinity.”

2:58PM: Earth Bandit: “You’re my man. And I’m your starlight….”

2:59PM: Earth Bandit: “Forever yours.” 

Earth Bandit: “Words cannot describe even your beauty. Ah geez….”

3:16PM: Someday Jesus Christ will return. But it ain’t how people imagine it. 

His return has something to do with Axah. Christ’s return. I don’t believe his physical return is happening on the physical plane. But it’s something that will AFFECT the physical plane if that makes sense.

4:03PM: I always hate it when my drivers miss my location. Like dude? 

4:04PM: Anyway. My day was successful. Ima go back to the shelter and eat one pack of my burritos. All eight of em.

4:17PM: Jus got to the shelter. Burrito time is about to commence!

4:21PM: Yup. Tis burrito time. Ima enjoy this shit.

4:22PM: Hm. Should I post this journal entry yet? No not yet.

4:25PM: Might post this diary entry as I wait for my burritos to cool off. 

4:26PM: Ok. Lemme go check on my burritos now….

4:27PM: They seem ok. Ima eat some burritos now and get back to ya my public diary. Brb!

4:29PM: Ok lemme just post this public diary entry now cause my burritos are lil too hot. But rather still enjoyable. Goodbye!