Entry #14: Boundaries and Anger Traumas
6:29PM: Remind me to add my medications on my weekly medication box tonight…
6:46PM: I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment.
Remind me to cancel February 9th, 2025’s appointment.
7:15PM: Just scheduled my transportation to the Peer Classes for the entirety of this February 2025 month. What else do I need to do tonight?….
7:16PM: I need to refill my medication box.
7:32PM: I need to get my lists of boundaries and anger trauma done. But maybe that will be for tomorrow. It will still be for this same entry and will be included somewhere below as time furthermore progresses.
7:36PM: Google Photos has just sent me this memory from seven years ago. It is a drawing of Voxsriin. (SEE POST PICTURE BELOW) If you are reading this from Blogger, Blogger does not allow me to add pictures to my diary entries. So follow the link below if you are reading from Blogger/Blogspot…
https://drive.google.com/file/d/109v5erNuj79JC_qnALVFX0TV3xA3Gm_e
Taken in June 18th, 2018.
9:13PM: Okay quick note, I am running out of Ferrous Sulfate 325MG and Clonidine 0.2MG and Vitamin D3 50MCG.
9:21PM: After I am done listening to music for the night, I am going to work on listing my boundaries. And maybe I can list my anger trauma tomorrow. This will all still be in this same entry.
9:40PM: Hm, I believe I am done listening to music for now. I shall now take off my headphones and unwind. And after that, then I might be able to list my boundaries. One thing at a time. Then tomorrow I can work on my anger trauma list. Then after that I can refocus on my movie notes further. I am very very busy lately. And I welcome it. I actually feel productive.
9:57PM: I will put these headphones away for the night and will get to work on some last minute things that I need to do before going to sleep. Maybe movie notes first, and then anger trauma list, and then the list of boundaries. Okay. I shall work on this. And BREAK!
The Boundaries…..
10:18PM: I may not know all of my boundaries, as this is an ongoing process of self-discovery. But I will list a few here right now, and perhaps add on to this list the more I can remember what I consider a personal boundary. Read below if you wish:
- Reciprocate kindness, loyalty, respect, and dedication
- Be a good listener and do not stereotype me.
- Do not betray me and backstab me nor use my personal information against me.
- Answer my messages whenever you can and do not ignore me
- Do not chew your food with your mouth open. This is one of my pet peeves.
10:30PM: Okay, I am going to call it a lights out now. For the night. I have a busy day ahead tomorrow. And I need to get my rest. Like I said before, I shall update the list of boundaries as I go through my day more and further reflect on the list. I still have yet to do my anger trauma list as well. Okay. Good night.
February 6th, 2025….
6:35AM: Good morning. I have just woken up.
6:40AM: I feel so ill right now. I was also hurt that when I said good morning nobody replied. That is okay. I shall stop saying good morning then. These clients at Emergency Housing are jerks. And I do not want a thing to do with them.
6:59AM: Should I type my movie scripts today? I suppose that I should but it would be really short. Because I feel so under the weather.
7:02AM: I personally do not feel like typing my movie scripts. I may later. Or now. I am not sure. But all I know is that when I do, it will be really really short.
7:03AM: I suppose I will type my movie script for the day right now.
7:15AM: I just finished typing not one, but TWO pages of movie scripts today. And this is while I am still feeling a little under the weather. I am very proud of myself. Sometimes, in order for you to get to where you want to be. You have to have a routine that works for you and stick to it. Even if there are days where you do not feel like doing it. Do I feel like shit? Yes. Yes I do. But I will not let this dictate me nor my work.
7:48AM: I felt as though I was dying while I was dreaming last night. And in that moment, I was briefly scared of death. The idea of me being buried at sea is both comforting and unnerving. But I felt some really really weird sensations last night. That is for sure.
9:00AM: I have also had this experience where I felt as though I was having five dreams at once, but my brain was focused on one. I had this dream where I talked to my relative about my will and last wishes and they said something along the lines of, ‘I will not stay with them forever.’ There are still lots from my last night experience that have happened but I do not remember. I need to really motivate myself to try to type these experiences down the moment I remember them. As soon as possible. My brain has been registering my fascination and curiosity with my own end of life and my coming demise clearly. It is clear that my feelings have now gone up to my brain and my brain understands that I am very curious about death.
9:25AM: I believe I am going through a crisis.
10:45AM: Currently getting treated at this facility. But I will be as brutally honest as possible about how I am feeling. So can get the help I need. I believe I am going to be hospitalized in an inpatient facility.
10:48AM: The people here at this place suck. I will double it TCH RS instead of using the full name for privacy reasons. And the chairs are so uncomfortable here. Why not just take me to a mental hospital already? I did say I was feeling suicidal. I do not need ‘emotional support’ I need straight up hospitalization because I feel worried that I am not in control.
10:51AM: I do not know why, but as I was talking to my support system about all that I was feeling, I felt as though I wanted to laugh. I do not know why I am like this. I am literally going through a crisis and now my body felt like laughing. This does not make sense.
10:53AM: I feel so out of control right now. *sigh*
10:59AM: I feel so broken.
11:00AM: Me to Myself: “You do not have to know what is going on.”
It is okay not knowing things. Just work and try to be better.
11:02AM: Me: “You need to learn that you are not your emotions.”
11:08AM: I felt hurt that my Peer Support Team Member did not want to hug me before I left to the TH. Pathetic I know. But I am feeling very sensitive right now.
Me to Myself: “Nobody is obligated to hug you or be your friend. You need to remember that. And it goes the same vice versa. You are not obligated to be friends with anyone else. You are not obligated to do anything really. However it is best to be beneficial rather than detrimental.”
11:59AM: Ugh. I feel so frustrated. And it is festering into anger.
12:03PM: I am going to put this cellphone into the charger now and will not be around it for a little while. Goodbye.
12:56PM: Update: Some of the staff gave me attitude when I was simply expressing my concerns. I admit I was frustrated and maybe at best my approach was a little off. I will be straight up and share his name because he needs to be reported. His name is Jim and he is a Caucasian male with grey hair and the other one was this lady with glasses, her name is Jennifer. The address is 9890 County Farm Road on Riverside California with a Zip Code of 92503. It is the TeleHealthCare Center in Riverside. The building on the left, not Lagos. Jim needs to be reported and fired from this mental health job. You are not going to treat a person going through crisis like this. And honestly I felt like he was being a little discriminatory.
1:04PM: I feel like crying right now. I fucking hate our species sometimes. Humans can be the worst in all honesty. Jim? You need to really work on yourself.
1:08PM: There is a lot of hostile energy towards me. I can see it. Well? Fuck you. Go fuck yourself and rethink your decisions. I deserve to be the best version of myself and I will not let bastards like some of these rude staff get in my way. Cry it out. Then go at your own pace and move on Myself. We have got this.
1:15PM: More information about this place can be found if you follow the link below….
Telecare Western Riverside Mental Health Urgent Care (MHUC) / Crisis Stabilization Unit (CSU)
(951) 509-2499
PLEASE REPORT JIM AND JENNIFER!
1:30PM: My latest blood pressure reading is 180 over 106 with a pulse of 93. Which is the absolute highest blood pressure reading that I have ever had recorded. Today is a very difficult day for Myself and my body clearly.
1:39PM: I am more calm now that I am making a report but I do believe that I need to be hospitalized.
1:58PM: I am going to get this cellphone charged again.
3:04PM: It is three oh four PM and I am feeling better after taking the medication. I will continue the Peer Class today. Or whatever time I have left of the day.
3:31PM: I am feeling anxiety. Having to explain to all these people…
3:32PM: I just got here.
4:02PM: I just left the Peer Center and I shall comeback tomorrow. I will also play some inspiring songs like Alive by Sia and Survivor by Beyoncé. I am not sure if Beyoncé made the song Survivor but oh well.
4:14PM: I just want to unwind. I have had quite the day.
4:23PM: I just got back to the stupid Emergency Housing. I am grateful for shelter and safety. But I am tired of these whack jobs.
4:24PM: I suppose the only advice I can give Myself is to just work on moving on. This piece of advice can apply to all aspects.
4:25PM: Remind me to add my PRN medication into my day-bag….
4:31PM: I suppose my life is meant to be fast-paced….
4:45PM: I just ordered a ton of fast food. I am about to stress eat.
4:46PM: I just want to love and be loved.
My Anger Trauma…..
4:51PM: A list of all the angriest things that I have experienced.
Being discriminated. Being yelled at. Being assaulted. Screaming at others. Being on the defense. Hostility from others. Being bullied. Bullying others. Assaulting others. Being ignored. Being lied to. Being taken advantage of.
4:53PM: I suppose that is all I have for now. Let me see if I can post this Public Diary entry now.
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