Entry #9: Homework…
January 29th, 2025….
6:02PM Imagon Darkness: “I feel like I want to die. But I am also scared of ceasing.”
ESJNN: “I am not. Ceasing should be a peaceful experience.”
Imagon Darkness: “But that is the thing ESJNN, you will not be experiencing anything. For you will have ceased…”
6:04PM ESJNN: “My birthday is exactly four months away from now. And I will fully be 23 years old. I cannot wait. We shall self-indulge on plain cheesecake. I cannot wait Imagon Darkness. Valentine’s Day is also another date I am looking forward to.”
6:12PM Imagon Darkness: “Do not forget that also our film Winged turns 3 years old in March 5th, 2025. Already…”
6:13PM I am currently laying on the couch in the living room with a basketball game playing in the television.
6:14PM I am feeling negatively neutral. I feel very neutral on the negative and detrimental side.
6:17PM Imagon Darkness: “I feel like shit.”
6:20PM Imagon Darkness feels like crying.
Imagon Darkness: “I am so sad.”
6:24PM I hate the bed I sleep in. It is so uncomfortable and it honestly feels like a safety hazard. I feel a lot bigger than the bed they put me in.
6:27PM There is something really powerful about my bones. I can feel my emotions and feelings getting stronger the more I can focus on it. In order to fully go deeper into Corporalis, I must allow myself to become a biological process.
6:30PM As I sit with my feelings, my feelings are telling me that I bring dishonor. How do I bring dishonor? There is large emphasis on the word ‘dishonor’.
6:32PM I have the potential to be both a hero, or a villain. I have the potential to be really really good, or really really bad.
6:35PM I am thinking about Voxsriin…
6:38PM Imagon Darkness: “Do not focus on anything directly. But with and through your peripherals.”
6:44PM I think I can see Voxsriin. With my eyes closed.
6:46PM I feel heartbroken and Imagon Darkness was muttering, “Axah…”
Did something happen? The thing about the Imaginary World is that it is both off and on. It turns on when I focus on it and think about it. But when my attention leaves that world it is like it turns off and ceases. So my focus sustains that world. My interaction with Axah has been off for now. But why I am I feeling heartbroken towards him.
6:48PM Imagon Darkness said that Axah is breaking up with him. What? Why? It is possible that I am receiving the incorrect information. I love Axah.
6:49PM I can see infinite possibilities. Is this my home? The plane of infinite possibilities? Yes. I think so.
6:50PM I am seeing echoes of my memories. Some really really bad memories.
6:51PM I believe I am going to have another anxiety attack soon…
6:56PM: I am feeling more and more angry…
7:14PM: I am currently lying in my bed right now. Thinking about my life. Particularly from elementary school all the way until high school. All the memories I have made. All the friends I have made and all the friends I have lost. But then again, we lose everything in life. As life goes on, things change. And we then lose everything upon our last breath.
January 30th, 2025….
8:26AM: I just woke up from my sleep.
8:30AM: I have just taken my morning medication and I now ready to start my day.
8:52AM: After eating breakfast for the morning, I begin to write my movie script.
9:13AM: I have just finished writing my movie script for now. And things are compiling along so wonderfully. Its progress is amazing.
9:19AM: I had a dream where we were planning my funeral and burial. They were talking to me about the process of at sea burial.
9:20AM: Is it not sad that I will not be here for the last most important day of my life? Which is my funeral? I logically would not be aware of anything.
9:22AM I remember asking this lady if everybody gets an autopsy after their death. I then forgot her answer.
9:24AM: This is what Google’s AI Overview states about having autopsies….
“AI Overview
No, not everyone gets an autopsy when they die. An autopsy is performed at the discretion of the medical examiner, and is required in certain circumstances.
When an autopsy is not required
- The death is known to be from natural causes
- There is no evidence of foul play
- There is an adequate medical history
- The family requests that no autopsy be performed
When an autopsy is required
- The death is suspicious or unnatural
- The cause of death is not immediately clear
- The death is unexpected, such as the sudden death of a healthy person
- The death is the result of an injury, such as a car crash, drug overdose, or poisoning
- The death may help identify a public health concern, such as a contagious disease
- No doctor was present at the time of death
- A condition may only be diagnosed after death….”
9:25AM: Contrary to what many other people want, I would love to and be perfectly happy with dying at a good hospital. For example, Cedars Sinai Medical in Los Angeles seems like a great place to die.
10:19AM: I am currently sitting over at the dining table. Just thinking about nothing whatsoever. I want to lessen my workload so I can be more motivated to follow my passions.
10:24AM: I am feeling like shit again. I feel really really negative. I also discovered that somebody may have stolen my water bottle. People are so annoying. I would have most likely given it to them had they asked me for permission. Such scoundrels.
11:28AM: I am currently in the restroom. And I am working my singing voice. And I can see that I tend to be off key, but I can hit the high notes so that is a plus.
11:31AM: I am singing the choir song, Give Me Jesus….
11:42AM: I sing the gospel song, I Love the Lord, by Whitney Houston from the Preacher’s Wife…
11:47AM: Notes on my singing…. I have just discovered that I tend to bounce and riff on the notes often.
11:51AM: I continue singing and humming, a wide range and variety of songs…
11:56AM: I was currently singing the classical song, Proud to be an American. I forgot who it was by…
12:20PM: I am just chilling on the living room couch. Watching the news. The current story update is that there was a crash between this helicopter and a commercial passenger plane. Very chilling. They said that there were no survivors.
12:50PM: So basically our current President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, chose to blame the fatal midair plane collision on diversity? This is without evidence mind you. He said that transgenderism and diversity hiring in the FAA is perhaps what caused the collision. But how? What does diversity have to do with it? This comes off as discriminatory.
12:54PM: Imagon Darkness plays the song Bad and Boujee, by Migos….
1:06PM: I continue watching the news in the living room…
1:26PM: I am currently watching Whitney Houston’s Nothing But Love World Tour. It is a Rome live concert show. And it is currently on commercial break right now. She really inspires me as an artist.
1:30PM: I want to look up and study all the different forms of love. Remind me to do that later.
1:44PM: Imagon Darkness: “Wow. Music really does bring people together….”
1:51PM: I am going to have some lunch right now…
2:28PM: I will never understand why people smoke cigarettes then feel concerned when they get lung cancer or the like. It is like you are asking for it. This frequent smoker was hacking out his lungs next to me just now and I just ask myself, why do you do that to yourself?
2:30PM: I am so offended by sex and yet I can be very sexual myself. Do I make any sense at all or is that confusing and contradictory?
2:32PM: Imagon Darkness: “Wow. Rest in peace Whitney Houston….”
2:49PM: My Legal Mental Health Advocacy Team are on their way to meet me. They should be here by 3PM sharp…
2:54PM I just finished the Whitney Houston tour performance. And man, she really inspires me as an artist. To release my movies and my art altogether. I take my own work as my own little performances. And I hope I do not seem superficial, but I like the idea of having as many people as possible viewing my work. It would mean a lot to me if I were popular and well-known through my work…
2:57PM: So while I am a private person, I want to be as widely known as possible for my work. I want to be as widely known as possible for the work that I am passionate about. This includes my art, my movies, and my mental health advocacy…
3:04PM: I just felt a hint of nervousness when I thought about my Advocacy team coming over to visit. I do not know why I felt that anxiety and paranoia when my team have been nothing but helpful to me so far. My body and my journey are so weird and unpredictable…
3:21PM: I am seeing white smoke as I stand outside. A member of my team is here and we are just waiting for another worker to come. She is my Public Defender…
3:22PM She just got here.
5:02PM I have just finished with my Public Defender Team and they have assigned me some homework for the next few days.
Homework Time….
5:06PM I start my homework right now…
5:11PM Imagon Darkness texts his mother from Corporalis. He asks…
“Hey mom quick questions for my homework assignment with my Public Defender Team.
Do you know when my last appointment with ****** was? And do you remember what address it was?
Do you also remember all the mental hospitals I have been to and what dates that I was admitted in?
Do you also remember when the dates for the labs by ****** were?
This is to help with my Social Security Disability Benefits.
Thank you so much!…”
5:12PM My Corporalis mother: “How soon do they want it?”
5:13PM Imagon Darkness: “Let me check…”
5:17PM: Imagon Darkness texts his Legal Team…..
5:19PM: Imagon Darkness: “My mother is asking how soon you want the information? Thank you!…”
Legal Team: “Information received. I will input that in the paperwork, thank you.
Umm the sooner the better, but not much of a rush since we’ll have plenty of opportunity to provide it.”
Imagon Darkness: “All we are waiting on now is the information from my mother. She is still wondering how soon you need all this information.
Thank you so much and I hope that I was of great help!”
Imagon Darkness: “Do you have an estimate of how many days until you need the information? Like what is the deadline?
Thank you.”
Legal Team: “Within the next month I would say. So we can put a set date how about by March 1?”
Legal Team: “Even if she isn’t able to find info. When you request your records from the places it’ll tell us too.”
Legal Team: “Thank you for meeting with us!”
Imagon Darkness: “It is you both I have to thank for being so dedicated to your work! It is such an inspiration. Thanks to you both!”
Legal Team: “Thank you for your kind words! We don’t hear it often so it means a lot!
Have a great night!”
Imagon Darkness: “Thank you, you too!”
5:25PM Imagon Darkness then wraps up his conversation with his Legal Team for now. He then returns to his C (Corporalis) mother to tell her about the Legal Team’s response….
5:26PM C Mother: “Okay.”
5:27PM My homework is complete for now. The homework for Imagon Darkness is complete for now. So we are just waiting for the information that will be provided by my Corporalis mother. I may give updates on what she responds with or I may not.
I Resume My Regular Life…
5:29PM Technically I should view writing my scripts as homework as well. They are still my assignments. Well, that and delving in deeper into my artistry.
5:30PM I am going to eat a sandwich….
5:42PM After I have finished my delicious sandwich, I am feeling quite sad. I feel sad and I miss some of the people from my Recuperative Care. But that is the thing about life. We constantly have to move on. And if we are not moving on then we are transforming. Sometimes even both.
5:43PM I am going to go to the restroom now…
5:45PM I have just come to a realization. Privacy does not exist when you truly think about it. Because even when you are doing something personal, you are technically the only public eye watching it.
5:47PM Personal things exist, but privacy itself truly does not. I do not believe it does. But there are such things as TMI (Too Much Information) and I might be a little TMI here within my diary. But I do not care, why not be fully honest and raw about your life? Why do I have to hinder my own memoir because I fear making a fool of myself? You have to be open to do that, to making a fool of yourself. Learning, true learning, is painful and uncomfortable…
5:55PM: I am in the living room. There is a basketball game going. I believe the Grammy’s is on air right now. And I am kind of sad that I will not get to watch it. I suppose I shall just watch the highlights later on.
5:58PM: I just saw a Christmas-themed commercial in the television. Was not Christmas last month? It was a little over a month ago? I have no idea why people are still advertising it now. Laugh out loud.
6:00PM Imagon Darkness begins to sing…
6:02PM Oh oops! The 67th Annual Grammy Awards will be taking place in February 2nd, 2025 at 5PM sharp. Pacific Standard Time. So it turns out I am not missing a thing. Huh.
6:03PM I resume singing…
6:06PM I am feeling very neutral. And that is okay. It is better than feeling negative and self-destructive.
6:20PM I am reading a few of Ashaph’s posts right now. She describes who she is so wonderfully. Despite what she has done to me in the past, I have to admire her level of dedication when it comes to her journey of self-discovery. She works so hard for what she believes in. And I can honestly only but admire that.
6:23PM I read more of Ashaph’s post I realize what I must do. I need to perceive differently. Not in the first person. I have to perceive more objectively. I still may type in first person here and there for this Piblic Diary, but I must perceive more objectively. And in a more focused manner. But subtly and not direct….
6:25PM I continue to read Ashaph’s posts…
6:28PM Ashaph mentions being a ‘Non-existent’ being. But would that not be just a being from the Imaginary World? I feel as though she was trying to exalt herself so high by making excuses for herself and her existence. Just admit that you are an Imaginary Being at that point. There is no such thing as the non-existence. That is nonsensical to believe, that is for sure…
6:30PM I continue reading….
6:33PM Voxsriin wants to serve me. But why? What does he have in store? He wants to serve Imagon Darkness.
6:35PM What created me is a true mystery… I am referring to myself as ESJNN. My most ancient name is Nothing. Then you have Jesse. Then you have Imagon Darkness the Mmhhou. Imagon Darkness is my most modern name. But my most everlasting name is Mmhhou.
6:43PM How my eternal name Mmhhou is pronounced….
https://drive.google.com/file/d/16I0WBnlzC-EIheJMIRomI8EGcp1GArU6/view?usp=drivesdk
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