Diary Entry #3

January 23rd 2025

12:11 pm My previous discoveries about myself no longer resonate. I have a name here on Earth, but what I really am does not have a name, a body, emotions, thoughts, or gender, and yet I am very comfortable being male. What I truly am is just a Perception. I may need to discover what it truly means to perceive, allow myself to perceive, and truly learn from it in order to get to help myself develop better. However, I do not think that the self is anything set in stone. Something caused me to be born to a religious family with an African heritage. I was not born with a sexuality or a romantic interest and yet today I have developed an attraction for masculine males and men.

12:18 pm I do not believe in any god, goddess, or God. Everything that I have seen, every character, every vision, all mean nothing to me now, to some degree.

Talking to Myself (When I do these, the following of what is said may all be rather random….)

3:23 pm “I do not know.”

“Do not know what? What do you not know about?”

3:25 pm “It seems as though my physical is tired of change.”

“But is it not entranced by it?”

3:26 pm “What comes to my own awareness?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I do not know.”

“Of course.”

3:29 pm  I see a pretty long freight train go by….. “I love trains.”

3:32 pm The freight train just finished going by. That was a pretty long one. However, I do not think that is the longest one that I have seen.

“I personally do not think so.”

“What did you just say?”

“Laugh out loud. Laugh my ass off…”

5:12 pm “Aw, I can see beauty.”

“I am typing this now.”

5:52 pm I am currently listening to Madonna’s most latest studio album, “Madame X”, and I am loving it.

6:06 pm “I do not think people that die are going anywhere.”

“We do not know for sure, but we are all connected to this Universe somehow, but even the Universe may evolve and change into something different after its own end.”

6:11 pm “I do not believe in God.”

“Do you believe in a creator?”

“No not quite. I believe in a cause. That cause gave rise to this effect that we all live in currently.”

6:16 pm “I do not believe in God.”

“You said that already.”

“But I am saying it again. I am tired of all this strain…”

6:19 pm “I have had many delusions in my past. Both way in my past, as well as in the recent past. My most recent delusion is when I thought that my spiritual self was a Jinn. I thought that was their race and their kind, and this delusion was just a couple of days ago…”

“Bad. So bad.”

“Why is it bad?”

“Because what if your mother finds this?”

6:22 pm “So what? This my public diary, and I want to be as honest and open as possible. Look I love my mother, and my entire family, but I am not going to let them or their culture define me or my life. Should that not be the most important thing? My life?”

6:23 pm “Say no more. I can understand you.”

6:24 pm “Exactly.”

6:43 pm “Do you think you will ever release the film “Alumina”, your first feature film?”

6:44 pm “No, it is too cringey and embarrassing of a movie. I would literally shrivel up from all the embarrassment, just like a dead spider.”

6:45 pm “Gee wizz.”

“I might release it when I am a senior citizen, but I am going to have to remaster it first.”

6:46 pm “Alumina was originally supposed to be a home movie…”

6:47 pm “I am so proud of your work on “Winged”. It is a phenomenal film and I cannot wait to work on the remaining sequels.”

6:48 pm “I have to finish those movies before I die. It is very important to me. I will not be at peace otherwise.”

January 24th, 2025

5:22 am I just got back from surviving sleep paralysis. It was so strange, I felt as though somebody was grabbing my right arm, and then that was seemingly pulling me deeper and deeper into sleep paralysis. I had to fight it and thrash around on my bed, and I eventually was able to start feeling my limbs and my back again. It literally felt as though there was another person in this room with me. 

5:24 am And I have been hearing sudden noises coming from my bathroom, which has scared me in all honesty. However, this could all just be a strange coincidence.

7:42 am My lizard/reptile necklace broke just now. I am so upset by this, it looked so good on me and it fit me well. Oh well, nothing lasts forever, right?

“I am sad.”

I am listening to myself as I speak….

8:03 am “I am bored.”

“Do not worry, I am writing about you.”

“But why?”

“Because I like the idea of having a public journal.”

8:09 am With the news playing in the background, I begin to close my eyes, opening myself to think freely, and allowing myself to open up to my internal dialogue. I will not be adding the super duper bad thoughts and words here, only what I feel comfortable with sharing.

8:10 am When I closed my eyes, I saw a division point in my head, with my mental eye. 

“Does this have anything to do with our counterclockwise movement?”

8:11 am “I am not sure, but I am opening myself up to my most natural experiences.”

I hear a raspy voice, and it says “JESSE!”

8:12 am It is that Voxsriin mindset, that mental figure, the energy that the psychic/cult leader, discovered was apparently within me, allegedly.

8:13 am Did you know that I used to love him? Did you know that I used to love Voxsriin?

“I bet you still do.”

“Yeah…”

“But I do not think you should. It may be evident that he has shown a rather protective and romantic interest to you in the past, but all that he does is trigger confusion and disorientation within you again. I know this…”

8:15 am “Yeah. That is true.”

8:20 am “I love odd numbers, but is it not interesting that I was born in an even-numbered year? 2002?”

8:21 am “I find that funny in a way, but yeah there is something so satisfying about odd numbers…”

8:22 am I begin to play the subliminal, True Self Connection Mental Emotional, right at around this time….

8:25 am “One thing at a time. Let me type!”

“Did you know that I used to have a crush on Hawkeye? Like from the Avengers movies?”

8:26 am I begin to laugh…

“Shut up! You need to be more focused on this subliminal. Focus on what you can feel while this subliminal is playing…”

8:27 am “I am not going to allow myself to feel pressured into doing anything. I now go at my own pace.”

8:28 am I start getting angry at myself…

“Why the fuck are you upset?”

“Because you will not listen.”

I can tell something is going to escalate within myself. A battle may take place.

8:30 am Whenever I listen to the beat of the music that accompanies this subliminal audio, I recall of the time I would chant, “My Voxsriin. My lover…..”

8:31 am “You and Voxsriin. Laugh out loud.”

8:32 am I am done listening to the subliminal audio for now.

8:43 am My physical body feels really cold. I assume it is the weather. It is rather shivering cold actually.

“It is going to be okay.”

8:44 am “I know.”

8:50 am “I cannot be controlled. Self-control is now a thing of the past for me. I can only cope with what I have and all the negativity that I deal with.”

8:52 am As I am listening to the song, Fucked Reality by Choking Victim, I begin to say….

“I am not a good person.”

“We choose who we want to be. Remember this.”

“I will.”

8:53 am “I do not know what to say, I am so tired and cold. I do not think I want good things anymore, but I do not need bad things either. I do not believe in good or bad anymore.”

8:54 am “I knew that you were going to say this.”

9:03 am I begin to listen to the gospel song, Evidence by Naomi Raine, and it is seriously triggering the past memories that I have had with Yodh Heh Waw Heh, also known as YHWH, and/or Yahweh by modern society today. I do not think I know  him anymore. Which is really sad actually, because I had so many adventures planned for our relationship. This feeling that I am feeling literally feels like a break up to me. Maybe he left me because he knew that I was meant to go on my own. Even Imagon is gone, but not alienated from me. It is just that he only had to leave in order to make room for my true identity, which is Potential in Nothingness. A perception built within vast amounts of potential.

9:07 am I begin to cry and say…

“I miss him. Yodh Heh Waw Heh that is. Why do you think he left? Why do you think he left me?” I ask myself.

“It is hard to say, but maybe he knew of your true desires, sensed it, and decided to let you go. Perhaps he allowed you to live your own life. And him leaving was a way of him allowing you to be free.”

9:09 am “Now that is true love. Because you know what I always say right? That “If you truly love somebody or something, you have to let them go….” Whereas Voxsriin is constantly clingy and treats me as his pet. I am not his little bitch.”

9:10 am “Exactly.”

“He may visit in the future, Yodh Heh Waw Heh, but I do not believe he is a part of your life anymore. Which is sad and unfortunate. But what can we do? Other than move on?”

9:11 am “Exactly.”

9:14 am “I think I am ready to post this entire diary entry now.”

9:15 am “Okay then. Go for it.”